Family

Going on Break

By Lisa B on December 14, 2009

I’ve been feeling run down lately and not able to focus much on what I need to be doing or even deciding what it is I do need to be doing. I was going to throw up a Christmas card here and let you know I’m going offline for a few weeks — don’t worry Mom and Dad, I’ll see you Saturday

But I looked through my archives and came across the following post I wrote on December 19, 2008 — almost a year ago to the day. I was amazed that I still feel the same way I felt when I wrote this. It’s as if I haven’t learned anything this year — how to turn off the computer and live life. So I leave you with these words which are more of a reminder for myself than they are for you I hope you have a Merry CHRISTmas and a Happy New Year! I’ll be back around January 11th if I can last that long

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This is a question that has plagued me for a few years now. When I worked in an office, the work I did had to be there. I couldn’t carry any of it home with me. I left it behind. Sure, I worked a lot of overtime, but when I wasn’t at the office, I wasn’t at the office.

I haven’t been blogging all that much lately because honestly, I’ve been on information overload just following people on Twitter. It’s been said Twitter is like a water cooler. Well, I’ve been on break too much. Lots of people have been asking if everyone is going to shut down their blogs for Christmas. I haven’t seen many responses other than people will be checking in and writing when they can spare a few minutes.

I’ll admit, I’m addicted to my laptop. Twitter…WordPress…these little projects I’ve said I’d do for others. It’s been poorly affecting my home life. Even Duck was getting jealous the other night because I wasn’t in there for tv time. And he should be. I should be able to put the laptop down and step away for awhile.

A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body; jealousy is like cancer in the bones.

~ Proverbs 14:30, NLT

A side-effect of getting information overloaded has been the green-eyed monster surfacing in my life. Instead of being happy for others, I’ve been coveting what they have or jealous of what they’ve been asked to do. I have been looking at how my online buddies have grown in the past year whether it’s their blogs, their businesses or what-have-you, and instead of being happy for them — that God’s blessed them, I’m wondering why I can’t be like that or why so-and-so didn’t ask me to do that.

I’ve even been jealous of ladies going out with their best friends for special days — massages, lunch, etc. I miss that. I don’t really have any good friends to get together with offline, and that’s sad to me. But I guess I haven’t really been working on those friendships either. Not going to a church has been hurting too.

So, I need a break. A break from blogging, from Twittering, from just being on my computer in general. I want a peaceful heart along with a healthy body. I want to focus on the blessings God’s given to me. I need to get back into the Word of God and remember the most important thing starts with my relationship with Him.

I’m going to take a little bloggy break. I’ll be back January 5, 2009 when Doodle goes back to school. My hope and prayer is that God will cleanse my heart and soul and give me a right mind again.

Try not to get caught up in all the gifts or material things that you either get or don’t get. I truly wish all of you a very Merry CHRISTmas, and hope that you remember the reason for the season.

| Filed Under: Bloggin', Family, Holidays

Stop beating yourself up

By Lisa B on December 2, 2009

Last week a Twitter buddy sent through a message: “Hates the feeling that I’ve let someone down…”

My response? “Girl, we all let people down at one time or another. Pick yourself up and dust off. Ask for forgiveness & forgive yourself.”

Easier said than done and I’m Queen of Denial. Little did I know that by the end of the week, I really needed to hear that same message for myself.

I haven’t been staying on top of our finances like I should — and I had a bunch of stuff (ie everything) setup to automatically draft from our checking account. Duck hates that. He says it hurts more if you have to write a check, and well, you stay on top of it. I will not say he was right. So let’s just continue about me.

Morals of the story, something auto paid that I forgot was coming out — I bounced some things — incurred some outrageous bank fees — and have since turned off automatic payments for everything. Oh, and I’m going to be turning the finances over to Duck ASAP He’s been great and very understanding. He held me while I was crying and told me we’ll figure things out together. We’ll work through this. But, even after I had calmed down that time, I’d trail off in thoughts about the whole money thing. I’d start beating myself up mentally for not staying on top of things and trying to plot ways to make a fast million.

Do you beat yourself up over mistakes made? I can’t stop sometimes. Poor Duck. He handles me well when I get into these funky moods. I feel like I let Duck down. I’ve let myself down. Picking myself up and dusting off works until I take a step and fall back down again. Asking for forgiveness is hard, but gotten. I know God has forgiven and forgotten many, many sins and mistakes. Forgiving myself is next to impossible sometimes.

Yesterday Doodle comes home from school. I yelled got frustrated about her giving away all the food in her lunch. I thought she was at least eating some of it. I told her I wasn’t taking her to get Chick-fil-a right after school and she could just starve to death (ok, I’m not going to let her starve to death, but she was being real drama-queenish at this point). Then looking at her homework, she’d forgotten a book at school. Something we’ve gotten on her for doing many times and actually it’s been awhile since she forgot anything at school. Oh, and she forgot her lunchbox which was “probably in lost and found.”

She went back to her room and slammed the door. I figured she was just mad about the “starve to death” comment. I made her a PB&J and took it back to her room. She was under her covers bawling. I apologized for yelling getting frustrated with her, and told her it was ok, to calm down. She went on about how stupid she is and how she’s always forgetting things and she’s never going to do anything right. I later found out that she had been in an argument with some of her friends and she just really wasn’t having a good day at all.

She’s just like me. I have no clue how to deal with it either. I know the thoughts that are going through her head. I know it’s hard to stop them. Someone else telling you to “pick yourself up” or “stop beating yourself up” or “forgive yourself” doesn’t really help because there’s no how to do those things. Duck shared some good words with her though — we love her — everyone makes mistakes — you’ve just got to learn from them and move on. Mostly I think they were for me too because at this point I was beating myself up for being a horrible mom and losing my cool.

Stop beating yourself up.

Think I’m going to have that tattooed on my forehead backwards so I can read it in the mirror every morning.

| Filed Under: Family, Personal

A horse named Rebel

By Lisa B on October 9, 2009

That’s such an appropriate name for my horse — Rebel. That’s the one I was put on yesterday when we went horseback riding. Duck had asked me several months ago if there’s anything I dreamed of doing — or anywhere I dreamed of going. To tell the truth, I don’t really have anything like that. I mean, I dream of riding to the mountains on my motorcycle, but that dream’s a reality now.

So I mentioned horseback riding. I love horses. I have always loved horses. I remember going to horse shows with Dad all the time when I was little. I loved watching the horses do their thing — trot, back up, jump…all their little tricks. I don’t ever remember going to a rodeo, but just horse shows. I thought maybe one day I could have a horse of my own and enter horse shows too.

We had a horse when I was little. Her name was Girlie. I used to be jealous of my older sister because she could just take off on Girlie in the field next to our house. I wanted to be like her someday. One day in second grade I convinced Dad to let me take Girlie around the field by myself — without him leading. He agreed, and I took off. Well, Girlie took off. I didn’t have a good hold on the reins and I fell off. I wasn’t hurt — at least not physically. I was totally embarassed, disappointed and broken hearted. I wanted back on Girlie, but Mom was really freaked out and wouldn’t let me back on — Dad either.

They sold Girlie while I was at school one day. I cried. They said it was for the best — that she was getting too old for kids to ride any more and needed to be on a nice farm somewhere where she could eat and run. I hated that I didn’t get to say good-bye to her, but it was probably for the best.

Back to yesterday, Duck took off work and found a farm nearby that had openings for a trail ride. Doodle has always wanted to ride ponies and such — I think she’s got the same love of horses that I do. When my older sister got married a few years ago, we went up for the wedding. She took Doodle riding on her horse — Patches. Doodle loved every minute of it! So yesterday when she found out she got to ride a horse all by herself, she was extremely excited. I was too, but somewhere in my old age, I developed a little bit of a fear — fear of falling off and breaking something, fear of the horse kicking me or just running me into a tree. But I was determined to show no fear.

They put me on a horse first, and then got everyone else situated. When they unhooked my horse from the post, he was ready to go. He didn’t really want to wait on anyone else. I kept pulling the reins back to tell him to stop moving, and he’d just buck his head. “Wonderful,” I thought, “I really hope I don’t get hurt or worse yet die.” Then they told me his name is Rebel. Ha. Figures. We all got set and Doodle’s horse, Tiffany, wanted to go. She got in line behind the guide — then Duck on his horse wanted to go faster than mine, so he past me too. Rebel just didn’t want to move. Then it hit — he had a bad case of diarrhea and gas. Yep, this was definitely the perfect horse for me!

After the initial rough start, things went pretty smooth. One of the guides told us we were doing really well, but I wondered just what not doing well would look like. Oh there was a scary moment there where Rebel decided to take the trail to the right next to the drop-off to the creek bed, instead of following the guide horse to the left. But we all survived and didn’t get hurt. I think my thighs are still sore though because I was clamping my knees into the horse to hold on

Doodle now wants to take lessons and go back for the camps they have there. Duck told her that meant she’d have to work the farm — feeding the chickens, the horses, taking care of the horses, etc. She thought about it for a minute and then said she didn’t care if she had to work — she wanted to go back. That’s huge ya’ll. Queen of video games wants to work on a farm.

Here are a couple of pictures. Duck had the camera and case on his belt, so I didn’t get any pictures of him on his horse, but here’s me on Rebel and Doodle on Tiffany:

2009_10_08_DoodleHorse

2009_10_08_LisaHorse

| Filed Under: Family, Vacation

I interrupt the irregular programming around here

By Lisa B on August 19, 2009

to bring you this picture:

Lisa 11 yrs old

I couldn’t believe it so I had to give you a close up of the face:

Lisa 11 yrs old

Several years ago I went to my mom’s house and confiscated all her pictures packed in a suitcase no less. My best intentions were to scan them into the computer — can you guess that I have not? Well, I saw this place where you can send your boxes of photos and they will scan them in. The price seems right and I decided I’m going to take a chance on them.

Last night I was pulling out photos and even though this place said not to worry with organizing them, I was in fact going through them. They want an estimation of how many pictures you’re going to send them anyway and I’m horrible at estimation. I mean seriously, I’ve already got 400 pictures in one pile and I thought that might be 1,000?

My breath stopped when I saw this picture. I had to look twice. Ya’ll, this is me when I was 11 years old. I know that because of the furniture in the picture and the layout of the room. But it could have very well been Doodle. I kid you not. She looks just like I did in this photo. I’m not a good judge of looks — people tell me all the time that Doodle looks like me and some can even spot some of Duck in her. But this photo made it unreal for me. UNREAL.

This is Doodle by the way — at 10 years old Closest good picture I could find of her. I need to start taking more pictures!!

| Filed Under: Family, Personal

1st day of 5th grade

By Lisa B on July 15, 2009

Wow. I think this day may have been harder on me emotionally than Kindergarten. The other years in between were ok, but this one was a little rough on me. It’s hard for me to believe Doodle is in 5th grade now. This break was unusually short for me — most of the time I can’t wait for the breaks to end, but this time I wanted her to have a little more of a break. Now, she’ll get a little over 3 weeks towards the end of September and we’ll go do something fun, but this break just seemed short.

We met her teachers on Monday. I’m excited for her Language Arts and Math teacher. I really like her and I hope that Doodle does well in there because she’s struggling with Math right now. She’s got some of her friends in that class — including her “boyfriend” JP.

I was pleasantly surprised at the small class size. I guess I had built up the horrors of 5th grade in my mind a little too much. Where I thought her class was going up to 31 kids, it’s at 22 — 2 smaller than last year — at least for now. She’s still going to tutoring and we’re getting an update today on how she’s doing with that.

I don’t even want to think about next year — middle school — yuck.

| Filed Under: Family, School

Road Trip!

By Lisa B on July 7, 2009

Oh yeah! We’re going on a road trip! Just Duck and I on our motorcycles! Woot! Woot!

So Mom, Dad, and anyone else who might stress this, pray for us to have safe travels And don’t worry. I’ll be tweeting when we get places so that ya’ll know we didn’t fall off the side of the mountain.

Doodle is headed to the beach with Grandma and Grandpa. She’s in very capable hands. So we decided to take this opportunity to run for the hills We’ll be leaving Wednesday afternoon headed to Roanoke. I hope to see my buddy Heather @ Desperately Seeking Sanity and see if she’s found any sanity yet. Then Thursday we’re on the Parkway all day — all the way to Boone where I hope to meet up with Real Life Sarah. Sarah tweeted yesterday that she wants to have her picture made on my bike I think we can do that!

We’re hanging out in Boone for awhile, maybe hitting the ziplines. Lord, have mercy on me, I’m afraid of heights. But I’m totally determined to *not* ride up on a Harley and then chicken out because the lines are too high. That’s just not cool.

Back home Saturday by the afternoon because Duck’s group is playing Saturday night at one of their hot spots — a local retirement home. Honestly, they love playing Southern Gospel and old Country music, and the residents adore them.

And, since I didn’t post anything about the 4th, here are a few pictures from our weekend project. Duck and I bought Doodle a basketball goal (well, Duck likes it too!) for her birthday. He and I (mostly he — I hate hard labor) put roughly 800 lbs of concrete in the ground and the pole, and over the course of the weekend — got that sucker up! And it stayed up! It’s a miracle I tell ya!

She Shoots!

It's Going In!

Nothin' but net

Duck Basketball Goal

I’m not quite sure what look Duck was going for? Maybe he thought it was going to fall? But actually he was getting ready to slam dunk quite a few. We just won’t mention that it was set at 7’5″ when it should be 10′ for him

I will mention however, that I really don’t like the pictures I take with my camera. I need a new lens, a new camera, or a new operator. Serious lessons would be appreciated. Do ya’ll have any tips?

| Filed Under: Family, Holidays, Motorcycle

10 years ago today …

By Lisa B on June 24, 2009

Disclaimer: There used to be a commercial on tv eons ago (back when you had to watch commercials not fast forward through them) where the model says “don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.” Well, I’m here to say, “don’t hate me because of my story.” I’m getting ready to share some things and just as most women do, it may be easy to try and compare stories or say “yeah, well, this happened to me.” I mean this in the nicest way possible, don’t compare your story to mine. God made each one of us special and unique. He’s given each one of us a thousand different stories to share with each other — none better or worse than the rest.

In preparation for the event …

I was a mere 110 pounds when I got pregnant. I made Duck go to every birthing class, breastfeeding class, childcare class, etc. I was going to make sure we didn’t mess this baby up. The only part I didn’t like was the c-section video in the birthing class. I refused to watch it, listen to it, or even consider it might be a reality for me. Duck loved the video — he gets into those gory tv shows. I never got sick once. The best I’ve ever felt in my life was when I was pregnant. I actually loved to eat (which to tell the truth, I don’t now). I would finish an appetizer, my dinner and clean off Duck’s plate. Oh, then dessert. All evident by my weight upon entering the hospital — 178 pounds.

I thought the doctors I met in the rotation were funny. One week I had a lady doctor telling me to stop eating for two (at 38 weeks, isn’t it a bit late for that?). She swore I was going to have trouble losing the weight after delivery. I laughed. I laughed hard. I’ve never had anyone tell me I had an eating problem. The next week I saw a male doctor who told me my weight was perfect.

I had a plan. I was going to deliver naturally, have an epidural, and breastfeed. Oh, and I was going to be walking the halls right after giving birth.

10 years ago yesterday evening …

I started having contractions. Duck had 2 ball games (I’m thinking maybe 3 but we only went to 2 ball fields). Yes, I went and watched the games. Timing contractions and keeping score. He played on a team with his dad, his mom, his sister and her husband. The most aggravating thing about going? They all were hungry after the last game and went to Wendy’s. For some reason the smell of the food wasn’t sitting well with me. Thankfully they ate fast.

We went home and I continued timing. I got excited around midnight when the contractions were getting closer and I convinced Duck to go ahead and take me to the hospital. Off we went.

10 years ago today …

The doctor came in to check me. A measley 2 cm. He had that look on his face like he was going to send me home. My look won. He suggested walking around the halls some and he’d be back to check me in an hour or so. Duck helped me walk around the halls, holding me up when the contractions hit. After walking for about an hour, we went back to the room. My mother-in-law and father-in-law had gotten to the hospital by then and they joined in on the fun.

Remember those birthing classes we took? The ones with all the breathing techniques? Ha! Those went out the window. A contraction hit, and I tensed up every inch of my body. I held my breath and squeezed hands. Had a doctor or nurse been in the room, they may have told me “remember to breathe” but they weren’t around. Two hours after the doctor had checked me, Duck goes out and asks for him to come back. He did, reluctantly. I’m sure he thought I *might* be at 3 cm at best. I was at 5 cm and I was pissed. I wanted my epidural and if I had missed that point where they can give it, heads were going to roll. They rushed me into a birthing room. It looked a lot like a hotel room — couch, tv, pictures on the wall. Except for the hospital bed and monitors, I would have thought I was at the Holiday Inn.

5:02 am — That’s the precise time the epidural was put in place. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was staring at the clock frustrated that the dude had to wait until the contraction passed before he put it in. I felt relief and actually fell asleep.

Around 7:30 am other family started arriving. Mom, Dad, Sis and Duck’s sis. Everyone sat around the room just talking and joking. I was in and out of things until the alarms started going off. Looking back through my archives here, I wrote about this particular instance last year (It’s Doodle Time!). I went back to read that and I was actually quite impressed with what I wrote. I’ll let you go read that and then come back here.

The only thing to add to that is that Duck’s sis told me later that she was doing ok when they ushered the family out of my room into the waiting room. That was until she saw Dad crying. She lost it then, so I think a lot of them were crying in the waiting room — nobody knew yet what was happening.

After they broke my water and the monitors were calm again, everyone came back into the room. The doctor slipped in and out to check my progress. Finally it was time to push. Everyone except for Duck, Mom and Mom2 left the room. The nurse instructed me to get in different positions and she told me when to push. I pushed for a good hour when the doctor came back in for a checkup. I had not moved Doodle not even 1 cm. The doctor suggested turning the epidural down some so I could feel the contractions a little better hoping that I would then be able to “push right.” Though of course she didn’t say that.

Dude came back and lowered my epidural, and boy was I feeling it then! I pushed and pushed and pushed for another hour. I knew the doctor didn’t want to tell me so, but the look on her face said it all. I hadn’t moved her at all — and she was too far up for them to use any of their tools to go get her. Our options — keep pushing, or c-section.

I cried. Duck was crying. I told him I couldn’t push any more. I didn’t have anything left in me. I felt like I was a weakling — a failure. Millions of billions of women have given birth naturally — why couldn’t I? We told the doctor we would do the c-section. Then the contractions became really annoying. It took about an hour for the dude to come back and up the epidural again so I wouldn’t feel anything. It took about another 2 hours before they took me in for the c-section. Because the baby was doing well, I waited behind 2 other emergency c-sections.

Time … 3:43 pm
Weight … 7 lbs 14 oz
Length … 21 in

We� joked later that she didn’t want to mess up her hair and come out the other way. She’s been teaching me for 10 years now that life doesn’t always go as planned.

Happy Birthday Doodle!

This is one of my favorite pictures of her. Her hair is messy — you can’t really tell how long it’s gotten. But she’s got one of those “Doodle grins” on her face, like she’s up to something. And she’d been painting or something. That’s her. She’s my little artsy-fartsy daughter

I hope to get some better pictures of her tonight. We’re having a family cookout to celebrate her turning “double digits.” God’s brought us through the last 10 years and blessed us. I pray He’ll be with us for the next 10 and more! He knows I’m going to need a lot of help in the next few years!!