Warning: This post may contain some language not suitable for young eyes or old hearts. Please don’t judge me. Had I thought ahead, I would have asked advice before I got sucked into this conversation. I had done pretty good {until now} avoiding answering many of these questions.
Me: Where did all these people come from and why are they in front of me turning left?
Doodle: God made them.
Me: Well, He didn’t have to put them all right here in front of me.
Doodle: He didn’t put them all here. He put them in the hospital.
Me: You know not all babies are born in the hospital.
Doodle: Oh I know! On Airbender, Katara helped deliver a baby and {some other character} made a hut and {miscellaneous details about the cartoon that I forget} but he probably would have fainted if he’d seen Katara cutting her stomach open and moving around the intestines to pull the baby out.
{Side note: whenever we’ve talked about when Doodle was born, we’ve told her that the doctor had to cut my stomach open and get her out. As the story progressed and Duck shared that he was a little faint feeling when he saw the insides of me that he never should have seen … I had to explain to Doodle that those were my intestines most likely moved out of the way so the doctor could get to her.}
Me: Not all babies are born like that.
Doodle: So does God just make them and put them in the stomachs?
Me: Um, no. It takes a man and a woman to make a baby.
Doodle: So what? The man and woman just make a baby and then she eats it?
Me: Um, no. A woman has a part in her body called a uterus and that’s actually where the baby grows — not in the stomach.
{Doodle’s looking at me with a surprised look.}
Me: Well, it’s close to the stomach. So it’s just easier to say stomach a lot of times.
Doodle: So it looks like you’ve eaten a ton of popcorn?
Me: Yeah, something like that.
Doodle: How are they born?
Me: Um, well, you actually have two holes down there. You know, where your pee comes out? Well, there’s another hole and that’s how most of them come out. Technically the other hole is called a v8g1n8 (8’s for a’s and 1 for i’s – trying to cut down on nasty auto comments).
Doodle: How’s the baby get up there?
Me: Um {notice a pattern here?}, well, inside the uterus there are eggs.
Doodle {jaw dropped, eyes wide}: I didn’t know women laid eggs.
Me: Um, well, it’s not like a woman is going to lay eggs in a nest like a chicken.
Doodle: or a bird. So what’s the man got to do with it?
Me: Um, well, he’s got what are technically called sp3rm. That has little tails and they swim to the egg and fertilize it. Then the egg/baby starts growing in the uterus.
Doodle: What about the cord? Isn’t that how the baby gets fed?
Me: Yes, the cord develops and kind of hooks into the uterus to get food from the mommy and pass it along to the baby.
Doodle: How does the sp3rm get to the egg?
Me: Um, well, God gave a husband and a wife the gift of sex. That’s so they can have a family. Have you heard that word before?
Doodle: Yeah, on George Lopez. They said they found out their 16-year-old daughter was having sex.
Me {my turned to be totally shocked and looking up how to block that show from ever being on our tvs again}: Um, well, you know that thing that boys have that you call a “peter.”
Doodle: or a weiner?
Me: Yeah, that. Um, well, that’s technically called a p3n1s. A man puts his p3n1s with the woman’s v8g1n8 and that’s what sex is.
Doodle: Yuck! You mean they put them together? I’m in no hurry to grow up!
Me: That’s great!
*** Hours later ***
Doodle: I can’t believe I used to be an egg! Why do parents wait so long to tell kids how they were made?
Me: Because it’s kind of a sensitive subject — one that we just don’t talk about until you’re old enough to understand it.
————–
I so totally can’t even believe I wrote this out. Duck said I should blog about it because one day Doodle would appreciate reading it. I’m not so sure. I think she’ll be totally embarrassed, but it’s here. At least I’ll remember. Or at least I’ll remember as much as I remember when I wrote this out — it’s not exactly the way the conversation went but you get the jist. I’ve been really good at avoiding her questions until today. I know she’ll have more and I pray God gives me the wisdom to teach her well.
I honestly don’t remember when or where I learned. See, they say around these parts that the boys and girls were separated in 5th grade. I was in 5th grade in West Virginia, and we were considerably behind academically. I’m sure this probably includes this education as well. We moved here when I was in 6th grade and I don’t remember education until Health class in 9th grade.
Knowing that this is coming up in the next year (Doodle’s finishing up 4th grade right now), I did want to have the conversation with her — I just didn’t have a clue how to have it. In the car on the way to Chick-fil-a is so NOT how I thought it would happen though. If any of you have any tips or resources on a Godly way to share this message with kids, I’d greatly appreciate the references.
God knows I’m scared to death I’ve already scarred her for life as it is. I don’t want to mess her up worse! 
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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
I think you did a great job explaining it and I’m very thankful that it wasn’t me having the conversation with her! She asked such insightful questions. The way you told it to me it was obvious she was considering the information you gave her and was trying to comprehend the subject. She is such a bright child! Had it not been for the fact that I saw her delivered, I would think she was adopted. You are an awesome mommy and a wonderful wife. Love you lots! We’ll talk to her more about this subject before the school gets anywhere close to her. I don’t want the school teaching my child about this subject. Lord knows they’ve already failed on all the others.
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You did awesome, baby girl. Lord knows I never talked about that stuff. I don’t even remember any of you kids asking, to be truthful, and I’m so glad because talk about scarring! In my day we didn’t discuss those things. I’m so glad things have changed. Were you glad you had to focus on driving and not look her in the face? :-0 Keep up the good work. Doodle is an awesome girl and you guys are doing a great job.
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We are starting to have these conversations at our house. When it came up, I told Sean that God made the boys “parts” to be on the outside and the girl’s to be on the inside. He stopped what he was doing and said in disbelief, “Are you KIDDING me?!”
I decided I’d rather give him little bits of information all along and hopes that it eventually adds up than be faced with THE BIG TALK.
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I think you did just great. Honesty is the best policy (in my humble opinion). Kids will ask when they are ready and they will let you know when you are telling too much. I tend to be very open so when I start blabbing too much I’ve noticed the kids change the subject and I take that as a cue to be quiet and wait til the next opportunity. Oh and the car is a very common place for these kind of conversations to happen. You’ve got to take them when you can get them. It’s so much easier when your kid brings up the subject. They are much more open to listening.
Good luck! Keep up the good mommy work. You are doing a fabulous job.
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