Ongoing Attacks

As I’m mentally trying to prepare for She Speaks, I’ve been reading several blogs of ladies who are also going. One common theme I see developing is one of fear and doubt.

I have been struggling with similar feelings. I think one of the greatest accomplishments of the devil is to distract Christians. I know God is going to move in a major way at She Speaks. The devil’s already been attacking some of the staff at Proverbs 31 and I know he’s been attacking the minds of attendees.

Some women have posted their goals for what they are hoping to achieve at this conference. For me, I can’t really come up with any goals. I want to go with an open heart and open mind. I want to soak up all the knowledge I can from the wonderful women I’m sure to meet. I don’t have any proposals to show a publisher. I don’t have any speeches to give in a speaker evaluation group. I’m just starting out.

In many ways I feel unworthy to go. Deep down in my soul, I dream of being a wonderful, witty speaker at women’s events. This, my bloggy friends, is the first time I’ve written those words — and I’ve never told them to anyone. I first had the desire when I went to a Women of Faith conference 5 years ago. The speakers are all wonderful. They have such strong stories to share, and I believe I have a story to share as well.

I chickened out when signing up for She Speaks and took the writer’s track. I do have a desire to write — on blogs — to share what I know, but I don’t know that I necessarily want to be published. As Mary DeMuth shared on her “So You Want To Be Published” blog, you can write and be an encouragement to others and not be published.

When I think about speaking in front of people, I’m reminded of a Christmas program at my childhood church. I was in Kindergarten, maybe, and I worked hard to memorize John 3:16. I was the first in line to step up to the microphone and say my verse. I froze. I saw my Daddy sitting a few rows back, and I ran off the stage. I jumped in his lap and curled up in his arms. People laughed. I guess I was “cute” but I didn’t feel like it. I remember the girl behind me stepped up to the mic and said my verse and hers. How humiliated I had been, but oh, how safe I felt in my Daddy’s arms.

I know it’s silly to think of an experience that happened many, many years ago. I share it now so you will know if you ever see me standing in front of a group of ladies talking, it will be because I feel safe in my God’s arms. He’s going to be talking through me when it happens, because there’s no way I can do that on my own. Come to think of it, it’s a lot easier to sit here and write for a blog and imagine no one but family reads My focus should always be on God and His will for my life. I am easily distracted though and start to look out at the crowd. Do I fit in with them? Will they like me? What makes me think I’m special to stand up here and talk to them?

When you say your prayers for the next week or so, please pray for She Speaks — the attendees, the presenters and all the people behind the scenes. Because there is a battle raging even when you are saved. The devil really likes to make us stumble, fall and reveal our humanity. The great thing is that God takes that humanity and does God-sized good with it. So take that and shove it, devil.

The best advice I have for everyone is to stop focusing on yourself — your lack of writing skills, your lack of blog readers, will anyone like you, whatever it is that you are worried about — and focus on God. Because when you focus on God and His greatness, nothing else matters.

Note: Along these same lines, Cathy @ Mommy Motivation asked me a bunch of great questions about blogging and writing that I’m going to answer at simply His blogger. Check over there often as it’s probably going to take me a few posts to get through it all