I’d recently shared with a school mom about my motorcycle. She looked at me like I’d grown a third eye in my forehead and asked, “do you have a death wish?”

My immediate answer to her then wasn’t all that smooth. I grinned and said, “yeah, I do. I know I’m going to Heaven, so why wait?”

I’ve actually gotten this question from quite a few people since I’ve started talking about riding motorcycles. But before you get too concerned, know that I do not have a death wish — I got over having a death wish about 5 years ago.

Through a series of every day events that all of us have to deal with, I let the devil get in my head. I started believing his lies and even started telling some to myself. I’ve seen it called negative self-talk or negative soul-talk because this kind of talk goes down to your soul.

I was at the point of believing I screw up everything I touch and would be better off dead. I started rationalizing it with I know I’m saved and I’m going to Heaven and I’d be having a glorious time there with Jesus and couldn’t mess anything up. 

At the point where I was really carrying around a death wish with me, I was going to church and playing the part. No one knew how I felt inside. I was driving a pickup truck 70mph down the highway, crying my eyes out — ready to go.

God impressed on my heart as real as if He were sitting in the seat next to me — It’s not your time Lisa. I’m not finished with you yet. 

Here I am 5 years later and God is still working on me! I’m thankful He didn’t give up on me and that He’s allowed me to experience many wonderful things in the past 5 years. I’ve seen Doodle grow to be a smart, beautiful little lady. She says she believes in Jesus and shares that with her friends (at the age of 8 now). Duck and I have grown much closer in our marriage. I still screw up. Cry. Then I get over it when Duck hugs me and tells me he still loves me even if he’s out of clean underwear. I would’ve missed out on 2 family reunions as well. Some people don’t have family like I do — which is probably a good thing, but I love them all anyway

It’s not just my family that I would’ve missed out on. This time last year I thought I wanted to become a Biblical Counselor. Through just that 1 wish, I began talk with Heather online. She had many questions about God, Jesus, and church. I did my best to answer them — most of the time using Christianese — but praying all the way.

Heather had been touched by a testimony given at her son’s Upward Basketball game. When she told me about it, I made her promise me she’d go to visit that church the next Sunday. The only problem? She was going out with friends that Saturday night. I knew in my heart that she shouldn’t go with her friends, but I couldn’t explain it to her. I continued to pray for her and I specifically asked God to wake her up and get her to that church.

Later that Sunday afternoon when we were chatting online, she recounted the night’s details and how she’d gotten home at 5 am that Sunday morning. As she fell into bed, she figured she’d apologize to me (no big deal) and go to church next Sunday. She woke up at 8:15 am and could not go back to sleep. She tried everything from switching to her kids’ beds to the couch. Nothing worked. She was wide awake. She figured she might as well go to church since she was up. She had a hard time believing it when I told her I had prayed for a wake-up call

After arm wrestling with God (which is exactly what Heather called it) on February 15th,  she accepted Jesus and gave herself to God. This past month she’s felt the call into youth ministry at her church (the same one she visited last year). And I decided Biblical Counseling was not for me right now. I really hate to think I might have missed out on knowing Heather, talking with her, and seeing how God’s used her this past year.

You see, I don’t need to ride a Harley to have a death wish. I was ready to use an ol’ beat up pickup truck. Perhaps my friend should be asking her other friends if they have a death wish. I am still humbled at all that God’s let me be a part of over the past 5 years. It’s been all Him. Because I had a death wish. God got me over it.